Hard Heart things

I have wanted to get back to blogging, but I have not been ready to be transparent, to really share my heart. Since my last post, my friend Molly went to heaven. She is battled melanoma for six months before going to be with Jesus. It has been Eight months and most days it still doesn't still seem real. I shared on Facebook a post about Molly and her ability to LOVE like Christ.

the day I got engaged 

Holden's baptism

(Holden and Rayne are so chunky!!)

Here it is:

We have shared that Molly loved others well and when she loved someone, she loved them in a big way. Her dear friend and roommate, Rayne Osborn, whom Molly loved so very much, has opened her heart to share about Molly. Molly and Rich named their daughter, Rayne after this very special friend. Rayne could always talk Molly into trying new things (like hunting days at the Roost) and they loved to celebrate with one another (especially births). Rayne, thank you for sharing your heart.

With Valentine’s Day approaching, and seeing red hearts around, I think of Molly. I specifically am reminded of Molly’s ability to love others so well. She showed her love by being present; never missing an opportunity to encourage or celebrate loved ones. I am also reminded of a conversation we had in August, one month after her diagnosis. I asked Molly how she was doing, really doing—beyond treatment and physical aspects of her new day to day. She shared that God was pouring out his love for her more than she had ever experienced. She said that even though the past month had been hard, she knew now more than ever how much Jesus loved her, Rich, and the girls. She sent me a text with the picture of her Catholic monthly devotional, The Word Among Us. On the cover it said, “Coming to Know the God Who Loves Us.” She said God was revealing this to her daily. Molly also talked about how God was using others during such a difficult time to manifest his love for her and her family.
The last week of Molly’s life here on earth, I was struggling. It was hard to see her in so much pain. I was praying for healing, and for her pain to cease. That Sunday night, I went to the Chris Tomlin concert. David Crowder opened, and sang, “How He Loves Us”. During the song, I knew Jesus was speaking of his infinite love for Molly. I knew he was allowing me a glimpse of his overwhelming love for her. You see, Molly and her Heavenly Father had a LOVE relationship, one that transcended earthly circumstances. Molly didn’t live in fear because she knew His perfect love.
1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts our fear.
I hope you are reminded today how much you are loved by your Heavenly Father, and allow His love to pour out to others. 

Molly and I always ended our phone conversations with, talk to you soon, love you. So I'm looking forward to our talking soon and experiencing His love together.
With love, Rayne

AGD Tailgate

Senior year at Bodega

Tacky Jacks

The pain of losing someone you love is so real, so hard. I have a new perspective, and lots of questions bubble up. What is really important? What do you cling to in a crisis? What are you doing to impact His Kingdom on earth? Am I loving others well? Am I putting my trust and faith in Jesus daily--with my children, my job, my marriage? It also has given me a more freeing attitude is some aspects. ENJOY your kids, your husband. Live in the moment--do that "thing" you have always wanted to do, take that bucket list trip, try something new, FORGIVE and forget, CELEBRATE small things, big things or find reasons too (Molly was great at this!!) 

Baby Luke's birth

celebrating birthdays at Hot and Hot Fish Club

at Holden's birth--Rayne is 3 weeks old

(Molly was smuggling in my push present she picked up for James!)

I really believed Molly would be healed here on earth, and even commanded it through Jesus's blood in her palliative care room.  I do know she has been ultimately healed. Bess, Molly's sister said she focuses on where Molly IS and not where she is not. 

Emi and Ellie's gender reveal

relaxing by the Bay in College

(we were great relaxers!!)

I know all of you have gone through the heartache of losing loved ones. It teaches us humility, the power of prayer, and most of all the power of Jesus's love to get us through it. 

Rich and Mols

dancing at our wedding

Her bachelorette weekend

(These are some of the most amazing strong women I know!)

I miss her every day. I reach to call or text her all of the time. But I rejoice as I know she is fully restored  with Jesus in heaven. No more pain, no more suffering, no more cancer. I struggled with not picturing her as she was the last week, and asked God to help me see her as she is now. I had a dream not long after. In the dream she said Hello, and I looked up at her. She was beautiful, face shining and smiling, and one of the things that struck me the most was her beautiful long hair. I said "Molly, your HAIR, it is Gorgeous! " She laughed and said "I know, it all came back so full and so shiny!". I woke up with a start, and cried knowing God was showing me her beauty is fully restored. He even confirmed this dream through another friend of mine weeks later, that also saw her with beautiful long hair. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope to continue to share. I have a few less heavy topics to post soon (my babies are not babies anymore!!)